A few years ago, I was seeing a therapist. I was overwhelmed with all the things that overwhelm many of us – parenting, work, relationships – and sitting down with someone regularly to discuss all the issues swirling around in my brain really helped me gain perspective.
During this particular visit, we were discussing the pressures I unnecessarily put on myself as a parent, although I didn’t see this so succinctly at the time. Parenting is hard. Working is hard. Maintaining a relationship is hard. Making the right decisions for your family is hard. Making sure everyone has had their daily dose of love and guidance and education and experience is enough to give you a panic attack (which I am a pro at – giving myself a panic attack, that is). And in the moment, these pressures were triggered by my anticipation of the family dynamics sure to be set in motion by an activity intended to be a staple of fall fun: carving pumpkins.
Our conversation went something like this:
Me: “…and tonight we are carving pumpkins, and I just know it’s going to start out well but then turn tragic…”
Therapist Kristin: “Tell me more about that.”
Me: “Well, the kids will start out super excited, but then get bored after like, one or two pumpkins.”
Kristin “And why is that bad?”
Me: (WTH doesn’t she understand) “…because then the pumpkins won’t be finished.”
Kristin: “And then what will happen?”
Me: (sheesh, come on lady, how do you not get this??) “I will carve the pumpkins.”
Kristin: “Why?”
Me: (OMGYOU’REMAKINGMECRAZY) “So they get carved.”
Kristin: “But what happens if they don’t get carved?”
Me: …
Kristin: …
Me: “Nothing.”
Kristin “Right.”
Me: “I don’t have to carve the pumpkin??”
Kristin: “You don’t have to carve the pumpkin.”
Me: “I DON’T HAVE TO CARVE THE PUMPKIN!!!”
I shouted that last line a la Drew Barrymore’s “I’m not Josie Grossie anymore!”
And then we laughed.
I’ve thought of this line so many times. My husband will quote it back to me when I’ve set too many, or overly aggressive, goals for myself. It’s 9pm and you didn’t check off the 53 items on your to-do list today? You don’t have to carve the pumpkin. Planning to run a certain number of miles every day this week? You don’t have to carve the pumpkin. Guests are coming over, and you don’t have enough time to make the 3 complex appetizers that show off what a master of the kitchen you truly are? You don’t have to carve the pumpkin. It’s your child’s turn to bring snack to preschool, and store bought treats are great, but wow you really should put them in individual bags with cute notes and stickers and keys to a Mercedes? You don’t have to carve the pumpkin.
So take it easy. Be kind to yourself. There is no point in running yourself ragged. No one gets an award at the end of the day for accomplishing the most tasks that don’t matter all that much when you step back and think about it. Pumpkins are festive in their natural state. You don’t have to carve the pumpkin.