A Triumphant (?) Return from Maternity Leave

Make-up, restrictive clothing, and long meetings – returning to things I’d forgotten during three months of maternity leave.  Here is what ran through my mind during my first day back in the working world – besides, you know, the actual work.

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4:48am: Baby girl needs feeding.  This is great timing – she’s like my own personal alarm clock!  An adorable alarm clock.  If she goes back to sleep I can clean the kitchen, oh man this is going to be such a productive day.

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5:30am: Okay she’s back to sleep – time to be productive!  Or go back to bed.  Or at least lay in bed and look at Facebook
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6:15am: So sleepy…alarm actually going off…dammit Facebook, why didn’t you let me sleep?!
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6:30am: Ah yes…the warpaint of the outside world, I remember you…hello, make-up
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6:45am: Husband says I look nice, thanks hubby!  Poor guy – maybe I should have put on something other than yoga pants over the last three months.
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7am: EW!  Dead June Bug in my heel!  I wonder how long it’s been there…I guess no earlier than June (HA HA, that is a funny joke, I’ll have to write a blog post just so I can use that joke).
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7:02am: Dressed, make-up on, girls are in good hands with Grandma and Grandpa – feeling good.
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7:03am: Was baby crying as I walked out the door?  Will they remember to give toddler her medicine?  What if she doesn’t want her breakfast, will she go hungry?  I don’t know how anyone survives the day without me…
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7:10am: WTF is up with this traffic?  Oh right…I’ve left the house and it isn’t one in the afternoon. Oh well, at least I’ve got coffee and Styx to entertain me on my drive.
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7:11am: Eric Cartman ruined this song for me (you guys)
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9am: Client meeting to review last quarter.  The exact three months I was out on maternity leave.  I feel like Elle Woods – everyone else has presentations and charts, where is my heart-shaped notebook and fuzzy pencil?
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10am: My boobs hurt
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10:30am: I should pump now.  I wonder how long this meeting is?
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11am: Text from husband- the baby is cranky.  Oh no.  She probably misses me.  She probably thinks I’ve abandoned her.  I wonder if they used the bottle warmer?  Of course they used the bottle warmer.  Maybe they didn’t put enough water in the bottle warmer.  She likes her milk really warm.  Do they know that?  I think I told them that.  Wait a minute, her father and two grandparents are there.  I. Need. To. CHILL.
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11:30am: That dude keeps looking at me.  I bet he can see my boobs growing before his eyes.
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11:45am: Okay, sneak a glance down at your boobs without anybody seeing…please don’t be leaking…WHEW so far so good.  If this meeting doesn’t end soon I’m going to explode.
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12pm:  MEETING OVER, GET ME TO MY PUMP!
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12:30pm: No time to get back to the office…pumping in my car.  This is new.  I wonder if I could get arrested for this?
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3pm: 3 o’clock – it’s baby-nap-on-mommy time.  I’m spending this time with impeccably dressed Bridget instead of khaki clad Piper.  And no snuggle bug 😦
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3:30pm: Pumping in a private room, much better than the car.  I wonder if the people who sit right outside can hear the pump?  oooWAAHooo…oooWAAHooo…
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4:55pm: Making a few dinners last week to stick in the freezer for this week was a great idea.  Wish I’d done it.
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5:07pm: BABIES I’M ON MY WAY!!  Oh crap, forgot the milk, back up 20 floors…
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5:10pm: Okay NOW I’m on my way…
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6pm: I made it!  Home.  Snuggles.  Love ❤
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