Should You Talk To Your Children About Disabilities?

“She needs to go back to preschool.” These words were uttered about my daughter – in front of my daughter – by a friend’s child.  I was taken aback, worried that my child’s feelings were hurt, and the mother was visibly shocked.  She immediately reminded her child to be kind.

Fast forward two years, when out to dinner with my dear friend Tif, I was lamenting the joys and challenges (okay, I was bitching a blue streak) of raising a child with special needs, where the outside world and it’s lack of understanding was concerned.  This story came up, and I told my friend how surprised I was that this friend had never spoken to her children about my daughter’s disability.  I can still see the look on Tif’s face when she said “Well, I’VE never talked to my children about her disability.”

Me and my good pal Tiffers – she’s one of the best!

I was very surprised.  My children have been close with hers since the day they were born.  We’ve done slumber parties. We’ve been on vacation together.  They were in our “quaranteam” – one of the few families we still saw and played with when everything was shut down.  They’ve seen the behavioral challenges, heard the strange noises – there aren’t a lot of secrets between us.

But Tif’s reasoning made sense – she said she didn’t want her daughters to think of mine as “different,” which I can appreciate.  But I do think, as children reach school age, I would very much like it if people had discussions with their children about kids who might have unique challenges.  I think it increases empathy.  Encourages kindness.  Builds understanding, that there might be a kid in their class who struggles more than others, or maybe looks a little different, or doesn’t talk quite right – and that is okay.  

Sometimes, you just need a hand to guide you.

Maybe your kiddo hasn’t noticed yet, or if they have, they don’t know what exactly is going on – but at some point, the differences between typical children and children with special needs are going to become apparent. People are scared of what they don’t understand, and before that point, in my eyes, I’d love it if children understood that differences shouldn’t be scary.

Before I take my family to hang out with a friend’s family, if the kids haven’t met before, I send a text along the lines of this: 
“Hey!  I’m not sure how much exposure your kiddos have had to children with special needs, but we find when they reach ~6 or older, it’s nice to give them a heads up about my daughter.  That she talks a little differently, and might need things explained to her a few extra times, but really she’s like any other kid; she just wants to have friends.”

Always prepping!!

I’ve seen this in action.  I can tell when parents have prepared their kids.  It goes from kids looking at my child with confusion, to a little extra patience and understanding – and maybe even some extra effort at including her. I cannot tell you how deeply this touches me.  

So if you want to know what I think (and if you don’t, why are you reading this?? JK ;-)), ask your kids if they know anyone at school who needs extra help.  Who needs extra instruction or doesn’t talk quite the same.  Or maybe, who just seems to need a friend. And help them understand that those kids might need a little extra patience.  Because sooner or later they’ll notice – and the guidance of a loving parent, versus being left questioning it alone, is pretty darn valuable.