“Please let her be alright, please let her be alright, please let her be alright.”
These are the words I repeated to myself for 35 minutes, twice a day, three times a week for seven months. Every drive to and from work, from the time we found out there might be something wrong with our baby girl (5 months old) till we finally got her rare chromosome diagnosis (12 months old).
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So, I guess the prayers didn’t work.
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Of course, that is a ridiculous thought process. Her chromosome difference happened shortly after conception, by the time she was 5 months old I was WAY late to catch the prayer train. And I guess the prayer I had said when I was pregnant – “God, please let this baby be healthy physically, emotionally, and mentally” – wasn’t right…I guess I should have prayed for genetic health as well (another ridiculous, snarky thought, I know).
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I don’t deny that my faith is in question. I’m pretty up front about it, and I guess, comfortable with this indecision for now. But I still pray.
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Then again, so do a lot of people. People pray for real. People pray for show. People who are firm in their beliefs, pray. People who turn to God only when they need something, pray. People whose actions in no way would suggest they are religious or spiritual, pray. They give glory to God.
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And WOW does it piss me off.
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People post pictures of their shiny new car, and comment that they are blessed. Athletes win games/races/what have you, and pray on the field. Celebrities win entertainment awards, and thank God.
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So God couldn’t see to giving my tiny human the ability to speak normally, because you needed help getting a ball to a certain place? All those children, starving, because God was focused on your vacation?
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I’ve thought this way for a long time. Then at church this past weekend, our pastor said something that struck a cord. She was talking about how people attempt to mold what God is to fit their own agenda, or make it okay when they do something they shouldn’t have.
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I’m going to paraphrase (a lot) here – her message was along these lines:
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“People talk about how ‘my God isn’t one who would care about these little things.’ They talk about God as if he is a half daft old uncle, hair sprouting out of his ears, watery eyes, giving you a good natured wink. That’s not God. God isn’t in the business of getting you a good parking space at the mall. God isn’t in the business of pandering to you. God is in the business of transforming you.
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Whoa.
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Becoming the mother of a child with unique challenges has taught me a lot – definitely continuously transforming me (can’t say I’m a fan of the approach, though).
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“Please let me be a good mother. Help me to be patient, and to teach my children so that they grow into confident, happy, kind people, who help to make the world a better place.”
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That one might be right on the money.
Rocking Lion 