I was brought up in a strong Catholic community – church every Sunday, CCD or youth group once a week, Catholic Youth Camp for a week in the summer, as a camper in jr. high and high school and as a counselor when I was in college (in Panora Iowa – you should think about it if you’re looking for a summer camp for your kids, it was AWESOME, and no, we did not pray the whole time). I did have some issues with the Catholic church, mostly to do with sexism, so when Joel and I got married, we searched around – Catholic, Presbyterian, Lutheran – and finally found a Lutheran church we both liked. I thanked him in good times, and turned to him in bad times – I’ve always felt my relationship with God was very good.
What’s God got to do with it? Part 1
Then all this craziness with my Teagie started. In my post last week, I mentioned that (while I am usually pretty happy), sometimes I am PISSED. A lot of that anger is aimed at God. So…I emailed one of the pastors at our church, Pastor Melissa (YEAH, GIRL POWER!!). I gave her a brief run-down of our life, told her I feared my relationship with God was irreparably damaged, and asked her if I could talk to someone about these questions. She got back to me right away, said she would be happy to talk to me, and that she was praying for me. So, tomorrow night after T goes to bed, I will be meeting with the Preacher Lady. So now I’m thinking about what I’m going to say to her. These are the things on my mind…
If there is a God (which I have always firmly believed there is), and he is all powerful, how could he let something like this happen? And forget about me. No, it is not how I had pictured my life…I’ve always said I wanted to have my children around 30 so they would be off to college around 50, and I could enjoy my golden years with Joel, watching my children growing their own families, and becoming the doting grandmother that Teag’s own grandmothers are now. But whatever – Teagan is the light of my life, and I will do what I need to do to give my babe the best life she can have. What about her? She is 100% innocent…why, for what reason, could God let this happen to her? And what about all the other effed up things in the world – huh? Why? I seriously don’t understand. How could humans treat other humans so badly? Why doesn’t he stop it?
I’ll give you a couple things we hear about God fairly often. And if you’ve said something like this to me, please don’t be offended – I 100% understand what you mean, I’m just being a little self centered, cynical and bitchy here.
1. God only gives you what you can handle.
Bullshit. If this was true, no one would ever commit suicide.
2. She has these extra challenges and that is why God chose you and Joel to be her parents.
Does God has a quota of special needs children he needs to fill? So he looks for parents who will put in the effort for them? If by some asinine chance that were the case, we wouldn’t hear all these stories of people not working with their special needs children because they don’t have the resources, can’t admit to themselves that something is wrong with their child, or just don’t care enough. Which by the way, is what makes me saddest out of anything I’ve experienced so far…Teagie is living proof of how much the therapy can help. Anyway, back to cynical and bitchy…
3. Everything happens for a reason, trust in God and it will be okay.
What. Could. POSSIBLY, be the reason for Teagan having extra struggles. Apart from her inspiring someone in her life to be a geneticist and figure out how to stop genetic abnormalities from happening, I can’t imagine…
Now Mom, I know what you’re thinking – you’re worried I am very sad. I’m not crying myself to sleep – I had an awesome day at work, a great evening playing with my babe and cuddling with her before she went to bed, and now I’m going to have a glass of wine with my husband. So don’t worry about me. But I can’t wait to hear what Pastor Melissa has to say, and I’ve thought about these things a lot, as I’m sure people in similar (or maybe even not so similar) situations have – so I wanted to share.
We shall see!